Wild is What I Seek

It is pulsating within me

Date #3: I met this one off of Feeld. Her pictures were a bit blurry and dated, early 40s, not much on her profile to describe what she was into or looking for. When she stopped responding to my boring small talk, I countered with, “Maybe you can tell me over drinks.” She took the bait.

I walked down the stairs of the speakeasy and she was already seated at a table. Black coat with a big fur lining, thick red frames, with the popping red lips to match, blonde highlights, golden brown skin, beautiful white smile. She was a little heavier than I expected, but such is the nature of online sometimes. Still attractive though, from what I could tell. She gave me powerful, hood NYC business woman vibes, with little time to get f**ked.

She immediately disclosed, she doesn’t drink much, but she smokes about 3-4 joints a day to help her stay calm. She later disclosed she does drink tea with whiskey every night. Interesting. Signs of a functional dysfunctional person. She didn’t spell outright crazy to me¹, but she had a loud personality and I could tell she was wild.

We did the initial small talk dance, and then she got right to it. “What are you looking for?” I told her to go first. As I suspected, she works a lot and she’s looking for someone to give her the D on an ongoing basis. The thing I found kind of weird though, is that when I asked her what she liked about sex, or her favorite part about sex, she couldn’t really answer me. Her answer was always along the lines of, “I like all of it.” Ok… that’s fair. I told her, ‘Cool. I like to f**ck too. And while my profile is a bit kink heavy to play to the app, I don’t need kink to have great sex. All of the other stuff is just the cherry on top.’ She seemed to surprisingly have had a pretty “vanilla” sex life, or so she said. She was interested in checking out parties. She had been to a few in the past, but said that all the people were unattractive, and that she didn’t want to f**k with unattractive people watching her or in the same space as them. lol Fair. I’m sort of on the same wave. And I think I have solutions for that.

We probed each other some more. “Are you one of those rotation guys?” I smirked. In my head, I was thinking, “Not yet, but I’m about to be.” (This is the 2024 and beyond goal. Acquire rotation.) I told her, “I’m a Free Agent. I’m just chillin’ right now.”

My first attempt to get physical with her, I extended my hand on the table and signaled for hers. She gave me her hand without any fight, and told me I was “smooth.” I think she was giving me a little too much credit for such a simple gesture. I caressed her hands for a few minutes. She said her hands were small, yet muscular. And told me my hands were soft for a guy. My hands are pretty calloused, but I still moisturize and take care of myself. Maybe she deals with guys that do manual labor and are way bigger than me. I brushed it off.

Sitting across from her, it was kind of hard to hear her so at some point I gave her the “come hither” finger. She received this as “Come here, and give me a kiss.” She bent all the way over the table and kissed me. Silky lips. Yes, I want to f**k this woman. She said if it weren’t for her being on Day 1 of her cycle, we would probably have left the bar already. I don’t mind a good blood bath.

After drink number 2, we got the check, she paid², and I accompanied her to her car. When she sat down, she immediately rolled up a spliff and started smoking. She passed it to me a few times out of what seemed to be habit. I did not partake. She said, “We need to get you smoking soon!” I laughed.

I can’t remember how we got here, but I told her something along the lines of that I could tell what she needed is someone to take control and blah blah. I had been chatting with an early 20-something year old all week that was looking for a D/s dynamic, and was way more knowledgeable and experienced than me. I started talking too jargony for this older chick. What I needed to do was stfu, and just f**k her if that’s I wanted to do; it was obvious that’s what she wanted. She dropped me off at the subway, she got out and we shared one last kiss. I left feeling high. Maybe from the tequila, the weed, and the chemistry. And the smell of all of our scents mixed together as I slammed into my mattress, alone, was intoxicating.

The next day, I thanked her for drinks and again, did too much new age, sex positive talk. Needless to say, I don’t think I will ever hear from her again. The chemistry was there and palpable. I could envision having fun, sexy times with this woman, but I think I f*cked it up. This woman just wanted to be f**ked without all of acronyms and vocabulary. She probably wanted more dirty talk and rawness instead of consent and me seeking her approval/permission.

In my last post, I said,

I feel flat with “nice” girls even if it’s just a front.

I think I understand this a bit more now. I had a raging boner with the wild, fun, dysfunctional woman I describe above. With nice girls, I have no feeling. No desire to game/seduce these women. Little true desire to make thing man to woman. However, with these wild women my desire to game and maybe even tame them is very high. There is almost an excitement to the challenge. I get a charge of energy being in their presence. I don’t know why that is, as I am the complete opposite. I come from the complete opposite, yet wild is what I seek. That’s the observation here. I don’t fully understand my fixation with “the wild”, other than perhaps it is pulsating within me and looking to manifest itself in my reality.

Date #4: A mid-thirties Hinge chick. I was feeling a bit drained after I came to terms that I wasn’t going to see my wild lover friend again. I decided I wasn’t even going to try to be seductive on this date. I was in it for a good time and maybe even some good conversation with a stranger. I have been a lot more playful in my texting, so I’d say we got off to a good start with lots of laughs. Again, she’s putting on the “nice girl” frame. It doesn’t inspire me, but I was curious to learn about her as a person. Pretty “textbook” dating history. She moved to the City in her twenties, partied and f**ked around. Had the epiphany around 30 that she should take dating seriously. She complained that none of the guys around her want anything serious. I enjoyed telling her my story, and telling her it’s been hard, but I’m enjoying dating when I can. The story I told was pretty anti-seductive of me, but I wanted to practice not giving in to the girl’s relationship frame. I couldn’t tell if there was any connection, but I’ll leave it up to her to figure it out out. I’m not as inspired to see her again.

Look at that contrast. Wild is what I seek.

Photo by Karen Cantú Q on Unsplash

1. Perhaps my judgement is poor when it comes to these things.

2. I didn’t fight her for the check. It’s rare that a woman offers, so when they do, I let them.