Another Wild Ride Pt.2

Something that should have caught my attention from the beginning was the constant flattery or the love bombing.

“You’re so amazing!”

“You’re the best!”

“I want to be like you!”

I can’t remember the last time I had gotten such good reception from a girl. I can’t remember the last time I had received so much attention. And you know what? It felt good. Real good.

“Hola guapo - hey handsome”

“Te amo guapo - I love you handsome”

She started saying she loved me. For months, I would just smile when she said these things. Until one dreaded day I started getting that dreamy twinkle in my eye. She noticed this twinkle, and she knew she had me in her claws.

She always complained that I didn’t text her enough, or that I didn’t text her to wish her a good morning or a good night.

The other thing that was happening right before my eyes was that she was chipping away at my boundaries. Here I have a list of “rules” or boundaries that I was trying to abide by and she chipped away at almost all of them.

• She started bringing up the relationship more. Everyday, in fact. It was hard not to talk about it, and I was having trouble finding other subjects to talk about. She would constantly ask me if I loved her. She would ask if we were good. She eventually started asking if I was seeing other women.

• We went from seeing each other once a week, to 2-3 times a week. Sometimes consecutive days.

Some of this is my fault. I was having so much fun, I said “fuck the rules.”

When it came to sex, I was pressing for condoms/contraceptives. She would always try and tell me to take it off. Eventually we stopped using condoms. That turned into her telling me to come inside her. We were using the pull out method, and that turned into me occasionally coming inside her. So far we’ve been lucky, but every month I’d pray she got her period.

Then she started seeing how much she could get me to “invest” in her. I generally keep dates simple and low cost. She would also contribute, but the last month or so I started spending more money to prove I was “serious” about her.

It felt like I was spiraling and getting caught up in something I didn’t want. It felt like I was in a daze. I was having fun, but I was also exhausted and trying to keep around the one piece of pussy that would pay me attention. There was nothing like it. My d*ck would stand just at the sound of her voice. Best head I’ve ever had in my life, and pretty up there in terms of the sex too. I had always wanted to be a little careless, f*ck wild and raw. And she was giving me that experience. We f*cked every time we met. At least two rounds if there was time. (The reality is this was irresponsible)

Part of me was trying to be cautious, but the other part of me wanted to live. I wanted to be wild and free. Like her.

The last month we were together was really calm. It was too calm for La Amazona. She started talking about wanting to go on dates with sugar daddies, etc. Wtf?! I told her, either we break up or we open the relationship and we’re free to f*ck whoever. Then she started freaking out and blaming me for pushing her to sleep with other men. While I have a textbook understanding of open relationships and non-monogamy, La Amazona had multiple people in her social circle who were in open relationships. She would tell me all of their drama and wild stories. I told La Amazona solo dates were off the table. If we do anything, it has to be together. Right there, I knew the stability I had given us by defaulting to monogamy was boring her. La Amazona needs the uncertainty to feel alive. She needs to feel the competition, even if she can’t/doesn’t want to see it. She needs the freedom to flirt and put herself in a position to be f*cked, even if she has no intention of doing anything with another guy. Girls like this are for fun. That’s what TRQ said. And I should have listened.

Within the past week I received a comment from Yoylo (thank you) on A Deeper Experience telling me that this girl sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP). I actually disregarded the comment for a couple days. I’ve been spending more time in real life and less time in the TRP space, and have been distancing myself a bit. Plus I was under the trance of WAP. When I had more time and distance away from La Amazona, I investigated a bit more. All of the stories felt exactly like what I was going through. I mentioned it to La Amazona, and she laughed. She said I was the one with BPD.

The next day I met up with her, and I saw her differently. She had left the calm state that she had been in over the past month, and she was back to a wild, over-energetic, crazed state. For the first time, it wasn’t appealing. It was like I was finally able to take off the rose colored glasses and see her in a light where I found her unattractive. That night, she texted me something along the lines of, “Maybe I have BPD, and if I do, I’m happy with it and to have a partner who can handle it.” I knew if I stayed with her, I’d be enabling her behavior and her condition. The next morning I bid her adieu via text and cut all contact. She had roped me back in multiple times before. It was the only way to break the cycle.

As I write this, I can feel my body coming down from the stress of it all. Hopefully, I dodged a bullet. I’m not going to lie, while I was having fun, I knew something was “wrong.” I’d always look at the hot or even average normal girls, and think “why am I not with them?” I would always say, “They’re probably not as fun.” But they’re probably also not trying to trap me. Whether that was La Amazona’s intention all along, I’ll never know. Or maybe I’ll find out in 9 months (Hopefully this is not the case). All I know is that I’m thankful to have shared my experience via this blog, and someone saw it before it was too late.

I’m going to try and take an official break from dating and the scene. The only girls I can get to stick around are those I deem “low quality” and it’s affecting my outlook on life. I am a steal for low quality girls, yet I am invisible to decent girls (Doesn’t make sense to me). My best years feel like they are steadily coming and going with not much to show. I wish I had this information earlier. Or I wish I worked faster. More effectively. I’m working, nonetheless. Maybe I’ll take a break and something good will happen. I’ll keep working in other areas of my life to see if I can break through some plateaus.

I’m glad I’m writing here. This blog and some of the connections I have made have been more helpful than a therapist. Therapy is useless for me. I think I just need to keep working and putting myself out there until something gives.

At the end of the day, even if it wasn’t the best experience, I’m making progress. I’m picking up on patterns and trying to work with them accordingly. I’ll take a rest, continue working on my value, and it’s only a matter of time before I’m hitting the streets again.