A Deeper Experience

MaddMonk goes a little deeper with La Amazona. La Amazona sets him free

After re-reading the jealousy post a few times, for some reason I felt like I was being too harsh. In hindsight, maybe it was the right decision, but there was a feeling that the lesson with this girl, La Amazona, was not over.

A few weeks later I called her, and I apologized for ending things so abruptly. My intention was to see if we could reach some kind of win-win. Unfortunately, even after that conversation I could tell she was only interested in getting what she wanted. She also explicitly told me, it’s probably best to stay away if I can’t give her what she wants (a relationship).

By the next week, she was inviting me out to do things with her. I was busy with work during the week, and couldn’t make her impromptu invite. She followed up later with an invite to the opera. I was looking forward to going, but I wanted to make sure to set some ground rules before accepting her invitation so that we were crystal clear about what we’re doing. I sent her the following (It sounds stern and maybe even a little goofy for me, but I wanted to try something new here):

If I show up tonight that means you agree to and will adhere to the terms of being my lover.
- You must be on your best behavior, especially while we’re out in public
- No talks about escalating our lovership. Not interested in escalating past lovers with anyone. I’m focused on my mission, and that comes first. Let’s simply enjoy the time we give each other. If I suggest an activity that seems too much, let me know and we can change to something lighter
- No social media posts with me unless I give you permission. You must show me what you want to post
- You will physically train and mentally train. Show me results. (This is included gym and therapy)

Rules subject to change and you will be notified. Infraction of any of the above or as I see fit will mean no intimacy and no dates for two weeks. That also means no contact. (Two weeks is kind of long. I might need to revise this depending on the infraction.) Rewards will be given for good behavior at my discretion.

For our first rendezvous there will be no intimate/sexual contact besides a deep, warm embrace at the beginning and end of our encounter.

If all goes well, our second rendezvous will be to make up for a missed punishment (for her walking away from me in public and going to talk to other guys). I will tie you by the hands with your hands behind your head, and around your torso. You will receive 10 lashings with the tool of my choice.

If I have your full consent and submission, I will see you tonight.

It felt good telling her what I wanted and being a bit more explicit about my conditions, but even I laughed as I sent this. I didn’t know if she would take it seriously.

Of course she laughed. To my surprise she liked the idea of being rewarded and punished, but she wanted to hash some of this out in person.

We had a great first rendezvous. We kissed, which was a little more than I outlined in my conditions, but I want to live!! On the other hand, I might not be as firm with my word. She was constantly testing me to see how much she could get away with.

During this time I had also started therapy. One of the realizations I came to in my first session was part of the reason I was attracting and attracted to this wild and crazy being. The therapist said that we are either attracted to people like us, because they are a reflection of who we are or we are attracted to people who are completely opposite. In my case, I think I’m attracting my opposite. One, potentially to avoid similar partners in the past who were more similar to me (my ex-wife). Two, I think I’m trying to access/obtain some of those wild qualities myself through the people I date/f*ck. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I decided instead of running away from it, I want to embrace it and see what I learn.

The other thing my therapist mentioned is that relationships can be healing. Could it be, that in some strange, twisted way we are helping to heal each other? I don’t know. But even after we disagree, we somehow gravitate towards each other, talk it out, and get back to loving on each other.

Our “punishment“ date was hot. I think we both left that experience in a daze. The sex was delicious. It was passionate. it was raw, in all sense of the word. I fucked her twice that night and once in the morning. Every time I've seen her after, I've f*cked her 2-3 times per day. Sidenote: For a while I thought something was wrong with my d*ck, because I wasn’t getting hard. Even sometimes with Tadalfil I was having mediocre hard-ons¹. Besides nerves, I think I just wasn’t into those chicks. I have no problems with La Amazona. For better or worse, we also weren’t using condoms or any contraceptive (a little more on that later).

Out of the blue, La Amazona got an opportunity to shine in the spotlight that sent her away for an unknown amount of time. This somehow brought us even closer. She would call me after a long day on set, and tell me how everything was going. I would help her manage her nerves, and coach her through the new experience. Basically, just being the stable support she needed on her journey. Was I nervous? Yes. I can’t imagine how much d*ck she is being offered on a regular basis. Now that she’s had a taste of the spotlight I’m sure that number has multiplied by a few thousand or 10. It is what it is. She ended up having a girl-on-girl experience with a really hot OF girl. She told me everything (Yes, I have pictures), but in the end she said it wasn’t her cup of tea so stopped it from going too far. She also told me there were some things about this girl that were off, and didn’t match with the type of people she wanted to be around. Which tells me she has some kind of decent judgement. At that point, the fact that she was able to share her experience with me, got me thinking… “Is this what it might be like if we were primary partners? or if we had a very open relationship where we shared everything?”

La Amazona wrapped up her project and came straight to me. There was also the fact that I was leaving soon to go halfway across the world. I booked a trip during the time we weren’t speaking. So did she. The last week we spent together was fucking amazing. Lots of sex. She cooked me breakfast one morning (I think this was a lot for her hahah). She was sending me progress photos (gym selfies). She was doing more around my place. She was stepping more into girlfriend mode, and to be honest I was enjoying it. Right before I left, I managed to convince her to get an IUD so we don’t have to worry about any pregnancy scares.

Then I went away on vacation. La Amazona is a “high energy girl.” A term I’m borrowing from Nash. She needs lots of attention. I acknowledged this and even told La Amazona this before things got so deep. But here we are anyway. So even though she knows I’m halfway across the world, she still required the same amount of attention I was giving her prior, even though it wasn’t possible. She called me drunk one night, talking about her frustrations.

On this particular day that I’m going to describe, it seems like a few things happened. One, either she was ovulating or the newly implanted IUD made her hormones wacky. I noticed even before the IUD, she always self-destructs around the time she ovulates. Meaning she pushes people away, gets super emotional, and she’s crazier than usual.

Second, she has a male friend that we both met at the same non-monogamy party where we met. Apparently, he doesn’t have anyone to talk to, so he shared his worries with her. He is struggling to maintain his freedom as he introduces a new love interest to non-monogamy. She’s doing the sex parties and seeing other people, but she doesn’t really want to do these things and always brings it up when she’s drunk. She’s only doing it to please him. She only wants to be with him. I think La Amazona sees us in this pair, and doesn’t want that. I always tell her she doesn’t have to do anything (she could be monogamous to me while I do my thing :) or vice versa), but somehow the other side feels like they have to go on dates if they know I’m doing it.

Three, her ego is growing. As she gets more spotlight, she thinks (her drunk self at least thinks), “Why do I have to get fit/follow your lead/do anything I don’t want to do to get a guy? I am La Amazona. I can have any guy! I can make any guy fall in love with me!” She told me during her drunk rant that she was only working out and she only got the IUD because she thought we were going to be in a relationship. Not because she wanted those things for herself. On another note, she had a work event that evening, and naturally because of the nature of her work she gets a lot offers. She was feeling conflicted because she didn’t know if she should act on them or not, or whether that would jeopardize her standing with me². I think she is also mistaking these offers of d*ck, for offers of potential suitors that she thinks will take her seriously or even marry her. She is willing to give up what we have (I thought things were going well even if we weren’t going to escalate), to find what she thinks she “deserves.” Most likely she will end up with nothing. Or she’ll get a simp that will grovel at her feet. She’ll eat him alive and discard him like the last outfit she purchased and wore once when she becomes bored of him. She is likely to self-destruct if she’s not careful, however, it’s not up to me to save her.

She tells me she wants to get married, to have kids, and blah, blah, blah. I know the best thing would be to let her go if she’s serious. The reality is she wants control, and not having it is throwing her off. She’s loving, but not necessarily in a nurturing way. I don’t see her with kids in the future. If it happens, I’d be surprised. At most, I think she does want to move in with someone to lighten her financial burden until she makes it big. We are both big, vain kids. We’re not ready to take care of another kid.

Her last drunk words to me were, “I want you to be free. I’m crazy, I’m impulsive, I’m messy, and I’m probably not the girl for you. I don’t want to see you again, because if I see you I’m going to want to f*ck you. I can’t help but think about us moving in together, and living life together, etc. We either need to keep things casual or stop seeing each other completely.”

As crazy as it sounds, I would continue seeing her if she is able to accept what I can offer her. I’m treating our last conversation as an “infraction” of the rules, but I think the best move here is to fade out and look for new girls. Or at least, continue to look for new girls. It’s possible she contacts me again, but I need to be very careful if I decide to entertain her. I probably shouldn’t. Our chemistry makes it tempting though.

EDIT: She contacted me hours after I wrote this, and I want to see her before she leaves. I think things are back on, but who knows. I’m just going with the flow. Still going to try and find some new girls though ;)

1. I have some official Cialis now, but haven’t used it. Haven’t had the need.

2. Where I stand on this is that I will continue to see someone even if I know they are having sex with someone else, but I will limit investment (time, rewards, type of dates, etc) in that person. (If we decide to do something together that would be different.)