Cracks in my Reflection

A New Rupture

And another one bites the dust…

I ended things in the messy way that I tend to with Baker girl a couple weeks ago.

Something was off, and it had been for a long time. I thought I was trying to have patience. I thought I was trying to grow, and while that might have been true, I was probably doing both of us a good disservice. In my last post, I talked about how awesome Baker girl is, and she is. She is also at the point where she is ready to hang up her jersey and pour it into one person. I am not. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. I think by giving it a shot with her I could try. I could try to grow past my impatience, my bitterness, my wandering eyes. I could try to be in it for the long haul. Maybe I could try cohabitation. I’m not there yet, and I hurt someone along the way… again.

From the beginning, what we were both looking for didn’t quite line up, but everything else was aligned for the most part so I ignored all the stop signs. While Baker girl was not interested in getting married again, she was looking for someone that would move in with her. She would often say, “You’re the last guy I want to be with.” I feel so much pressure when I hear this because I feel like I hear this too often. I’m either invisible or the guy every girl I’ve been with wants to make her last. Pressure. And while I tried to welcome the pressure, I ended up running away… again.

Overall, especially in person, we had great times together. We shared a lot together. We challenged each other. In the gym, in the bedroom, in life. Initially I was able to call her out on her behavior, and she would do the same. Although I think in the beginning it was more of me doing a lot of the calling out. At some point this changed. I would say from December onward, there was some level of attachment, and with that a new pattern emerged.

It felt like any time I went away to do my own thing, especially after a long period spent together, she would get super emotional. It was like if she didn’t hear from me for a few hours, she would get anxious. Her behavior towards me was distant, because she said she could feel my distance. Every two weeks we argued about this, and I would have to give her lots of reassurance that I was there. Then I’d go off to my lair to recharge, and the cycle would repeat. I tried to “meet her needs” by texting a bit more or sending an occasional voice note, while also emphasizing “Hey, I understand you want to hear from me more, but sometimes I need to recharge or focus on something.” I honestly got to the point where I don’t think I was getting that space, and communicating with her when we were apart was feeling like work. She said if I “loved” her, I would make more of an effort to meet her needs. If I try and I come up short, I don’t see that as a lack of love, but a lack of capacity, maybe? Respect for my own boundaries, maybe? For whatever reason, I drew my line and for the most part stuck to it, while trying to be a bit flexible. I see that as probably we’re incompatible.

The interesting part is, especially in the beginning, she would volunteer and say, “Hey, let me know if you need space.” Sometimes I would take it, sometimes I wouldn’t. After a while she stopped doing this. I also realize that this might have been coming from an insecure place, and maybe even a controlling place. At least that’s what it felt like for me. I want to take space when I feel like it, not when you tell me to. All of these might be valid, but even more-so, I’m thinking these were mini-tests that I got every single week. “Do you want to be here?” “Do you still like me?” “Did you talk to any other girls today?“ Her abandonment wounds run deep. For her these were a test to test my “staying power” as she would call it. For me, it only confused me and pushed me away.

While we were talking early on about going to parties and bringing in a third woman, she was very clear outside of that environment or when we choose, we were monogamous. That was cool with me for the most part. I thought it was cool that we’d be able to share that together. When I asked her where does that desire confirm she told me she enjoys seeing her partner get satisfied by someone else. Cool. Could be seen as controlling though, now that I think about it. I just find it strange that someone who needs so much reassurance would be ok with this configuration though. I pumped the breaks on many of our adventures because we would plan to go to a party, and then we’d get into an argument. While she wanted to still go for a change of environment, I didn’t want to bring that energy to a party. I wanted to make sure we were good. Nonetheless, I pressed on because we were having fun and outside of her anxiousness, she’s pretty amazing.

I just got to a point where it felt like no matter how much I texted her, or how I texted her, she’d always find something to pick at. Texting felt like work. Expressing myself to her felt like work. Her feelings for me and her expectations of me were growing, and I felt myself shrinking again. Not a feeling I like. It felt like I was “failing” her tests. I didn’t even see them as tests anymore. On one hand I was exhausted, on the other hand I was puffing myself up to get ready for another argument. How can I be kind when I’m feeling attacked or even not good enough? I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Is she the monster, or am I the monster? Or are we just two deeply scarred people that want to love and be loved?

Either way, I’ve come to some sort of peace acknowledging that some of her anxiousness was caused by me. Perhaps my stories about all the other girls I have left gave her doubts? Perhaps she could sense my ambivalence about her all along? That being said, a part of me thinks I should have never move things forward with her and as quickly as I did. The thirst was real.

I should not beat myself up about it though. I tried. We tried. In the end I need to take more time, and most likely disqualify myself from any woman that wants anything remotely serious until I get to that point myself. I need to really embrace being Solo. No cohabitation, no marriage, no kids, no big decisions that will enmesh me with another person. Not until I’m ready, if ever. This might limit my mileage and options, but I need to understand exactly what I want, my dealbreakers, boundaries, etc and stick to them.

I also learned that my conflict resolution skills suck. I hate being in conflict, and I don’t like to make things better after conflict, which can leave a sour taste in people’s mouth. I hate when people see the flawed sides of me, and as a result I run away instead of trying to resolve things or smooth things out at the least. Baker girl let me make a lot of mistakes, and she was still willing to be there when I stumbled through trying to express myself to her, when I got upset, when I shouted, when I looked at her coldly for applying pressure. And I still ran. I still fumbled the opportunity to get better. Baker girl and I are going to try to be friends. There is a sense of love, but also pity which stings. I don’t know how that will go, but I know I can’t keep pulling this disappearing act without consequences. Instead of making this about her, somehow I am seeing that who I am, and my actions might have something to do with how my interactions with women are playing out.

I will meet these lessons again. I will meet this girl again until I learn how to face her full on.

Update: After some time apart and some digging. I started doing some reading on attachment styles again. Dismissive Avoidant is me to a T. I found a great resource that I’m going to start working through. It seems I’m finally getting some clarity on my behavior. This also means I need to work on handling conflict, and I need to work on not avoiding relationships, even of the non-romantic sort. I’ll be getting more involved in activities where I can make connections while it’s still warm and try to forge some new friendships/acquaintanceships. I’ll take a break from girl hunting, at least I’ll try ;)

Baker Girl and I met up and did a workshop together. I learned a lot more about myself and her. It was a bittersweet weekend as we learned about how to communicate more effectively, identify our needs and boundaries, and how to show up with empathy. I’m inching near 40 and I’m just now discovering this is the work I need to do. But better late than never. We’re both deciding to do our own separate internal work while remaining friends. We felt like teammates this weekend, without the sex. We feel good together, but the reality is if we were to get back together we’d most likely repeat our patterns, and create more damage. It hurts and I tear up each time we say goodbye. Maybe by taking this space we are sparing each other, and leaving some good will on the table. By loving ourselves, we’re loving each other. I don’t know if it’s the pain, the distance, or the chemicals speaking, but despite everything, I love you Baker girl.

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash