Summer Thoughts

The Smell of Freedom: Rambles of a monk at peace with himself and the journey

Last year I was in the thralls of a wild, BPD woman. I think that experience flipped my world upside down and while I continued to take action, I found myself going through the motions of life. I have been essentially out of tune with myself, and trying to find my way back. I think I can finally say that I am back in a peaceful place. I have written a few posts over the past couple months, but my energy has been in a dark place. And instead of spill my guts and post every thought, I decided to let some time pass so that I could heal, and also move forward. I wish this process was faster, but I allowed myself time to not be OK. I acknowledged that isolation might have damaging effects, but it would allow me to start over… yet again.

I realized that it’s important for me to “press pause” when I’m not at my best, as much as possible. For me, pressing pause means showing up only for what I need to and digging deep to chart my next course of action. I am thankful to have the luxury to do so. I am thankful I am able to move at my pace (slow), when it seems like the whole world continues spinning quickly around me.

I am thankful for where I am this year, compared to last. The honeymoon phase of living in the City is officially over. I still love it here, but my priorities are a bit different. This year, I’m focused more on my skills and development and less so on game and getting laid. Do I still think about getting laid? Of course! But I want to put some parameters in place so I’m a bit more focused on what matters to me. If I’m completely honest with myself, getting laid is probably 4 or 5th on the list. And they need to be hot/cute/attractive or I’m not budging. I know my value and I’m not compromising for pumz. I guess I don’t value sex as much as my hormones would like me to.

What have I been up to?

This year is definitely going to be about pouring into myself.

Life Path/Career

Last year I was completely lost. I didn’t really have a plan for myself besides trying to game and get better with women. And I didn’t have a detailed plan to get better with women. Over the past couple of months, I’ve written out things I would like to accomplish for myself in my career. Two of those things being to learn something new to help me become better at my job, and to get some executive coaching to help with some of the people aspect of working at higher levels. After writing these things down, I found a course that I’d like to take and I randomly met an executive coach at an event that I’d like to work with in the future.

Fitness/Fighting

I’m still training hard. The muscle is coming, slowly, but surely. I’m also the leanest I’ve ever been. I’m sure the added muscle mass helps. The even bigger help is that in addition to the gym, I’ve been going to an MMA gym. Mind blown. I’m seeing how much I’d get my ass whooped if I were to ever get in a real fight. I’m also learning about strategy. I am seeing strategy every where now, especially when dealing with people, which in essence, is a part of “game.” I think I am also learning empathy. In order to beat your opponent, you must understand them. I am realizing that my inability/unwillingness to connect is probably because I am lacking in the empathy department, and it’s coming up in many places in my life. As physical as my training has been, it has become just as mental. It’s also been good to be around other good spirited guys.

Girls

As for the girls, I’ve been taking a different angle this year. It’s also been pretty quiet. I don’t think I’ll continue approaching. I think that’s only going to work if I take on an archetype that I want nothing to do with. The thug/street archetype is not happening here. I’ve worked too hard to get away from that to give into that for some pumz. I’ve known too many people that have died or ruined their life because they chose to don that mask. We all wear masks to survive in this life, but certain masks come with certain responsibilities and/or baggage that might cost you. Certain masks can never be taken off, no matter how hard you try.

Maybe I’ll share more details later if it makes sense, but I’ve been enjoying myself at different social/dating events, especially since the summer has started. I think I’ve gone on one date so far since I started going out last month. The girl was super into me, but I wasn’t so I didn’t make a move of follow up after date 1. I thought we vibed well, but she wasn’t as cute as the first time I saw her in the dimly set environment. It’s becoming more and more of show stopper for me.

I’ve seen Russian Blue a few times. We’ve had a blast together. I can sense she is hoping for more though, so I’m trying to keep things as light as possible. Glad we are not in the same city. The distance here helps.

I don’t know how much more I’ll be writing. I don’t think I’m “exiting” the game anytime soon, but it’s definitely taking a back seat to other priorities. I’m also not in a rush like I previously was. I can’t pinpoint exactly where my previous urgency was coming from. It’s very possible that it’s tied to thinking about my ex-wife dying so young. Maybe I am healing, even just a little bit. Maybe I’m maturing. Maybe I just don’t care anymore.

I think I’ve also put a few things in perspective… All being well, I’m going to age very well. My dad didn’t get gray hair until he was in his late 50s/early 60s. And he still got compliments. Within the past two months, multiple girls have told me I’m hot. Girls are giving me indicators of interest at some of the events I’ve attended lately. (It’s just a matter of now sifting through to find the one’s that I like and connect with.) I’m building lean muscle. I am still getting stronger. I’m also taking care of business and mainly focused on things that are not girls.

They will come. I’ll be OK. And if they don’t… I’ll still be OK.

I like this peaceful place where I am. It won’t always be so, but I’ll enjoy it while I can.