New Territory
It's been an interesting couple of weeks with Midwest. Last week I decided to see Midwest exclusively, and I dropped my other lead Thai Smile. Thai Smile seemed enthusiastic about me, and even though I found her physically attractive, something else was off for me. Can't quite put a finger on it. Or it could simply be that I just wasn't into her that much.
From around our third date almost a month ago, Midwest has been pushing for exclusivity. I was hesitant, but I gave in last week. I was already contemplating dropping everything and taking a break if nothing worked out because all of my experiences were basically hit and runs. We had what I would consider a really good session, and in my fuzzy minded state I told her I wanted to be exclusive. It is what I want right now, but I probably could have danced around the topic a little longer.
I have my reasons why I made that decision. One is that I decided that if nothing worked out I'd keep my head down and focus on my fitness and career goals. I'm making good progress and want to continue following through to see more substantial progress. Especially from a physical aspect I am transforming and the ladies have been noticing. The fewer distractions the better. Two is that nothing else has been consistent. Sexually speaking, it's difficult for me to learn much when I'm changing women so often then going in long periods of drought. Every women is different, and if I'm not seeing any one of them consistently I'm not getting much from the surface interactions. Or maybe I need to learn faster. Three, I genuinely enjoy Midwest's company whether we're having sex or not. That's enough for me to keep her around. I don't feel drained when I'm around her.
A couple days after I told her I wanted to seal the deal, I got cold feet. We didn't really have a conversation about what our exclusivity meant and I definitely wasn't trying to be put in the Mr. Serious Boyfriend category. I called her and clarified. I told her I like her, and I like exploring with her but marriage is not in the cards for me in the near future. (She recently threw the marriage thing at me one night during one of our conversations, and she's running out of time.) I weakly suggested that if she was still exploring sexually or that marriage was something she's looking for that we keep things open. I could hear the frustration in her voice turn into tears. I don't know why, but I felt shitty in the moment. She told me she felt that I was backing out, but instead of saying so I was trying to put the pressure on her. I'm fine with my decision. If things don't work out I can always restart the pipeline. I think she doesn't want to deal with the fact that I'm putting the truth in her face.
Fast forward to today. We spend the day together and have another good time even though we're both exhausted from our long weeks. Initially she touches on how I made her feel when I called her and suggested an open relationship and how she doesn't like how I'm already doubting us, and blah blah blah. I somehow reassure her and everyone's happy again. Later on we're talking about how our relationship with sex has evolved over the years. She shares that only recently she's entered an exploratory phase and how she's learned the most about her sexuality with casual sex. She says that casual sex has given her the freedom to be selfish and to get pleasure on her terms. In contrast, in a relationship she has to think about the other person's needs and she tends to try not to be as selfish. Going off on a tangent, but to my note above... as a good looking guy casual sex has not offered the same eye opening revelations about my sexuality. Casual sex makes me feel disposable, and I feel like I'm being thrown away most of the time. If my first performance is poor, I generally count on not seeing/hearing from the chick again unless for some other reason she really likes me and/or has no better options.
Later on in the conversation I ask her what she wants out of a relationship. We've had this conversation before but we were dancing around the truth, or more than truth, the realness. This time one of the things she said sounded an alarm. She said she wanted a "safe space" in a relationship. I've been reading a lot of Esther Perel lately and I think one of the questions she asks is, "Can desire be ignited/maintained in a safe space?" I ask Midwest this. She knows where I'm going with this. I then ask her, "where would you go to be sexual if you didn't feel fully comfortable expressing your sexuality within that safe space?" We start discussing the pros and cons of monogamy vs. keeping things open. For her and I'd say for me too, a pro of monogamy is knowing or thinking that you are only having sex with each other. A con being once this "safe space" develops and extinguishes the flames, we either treat each other like roommates or we move on to greener pastures. She actually started listening to me, and asking me what an open relationship might look like between us.
This was enlightening because I'm seeing for myself how women play both mating strategies. Midwest basically told me that she's been keeping things casual until they're not. In my head that means she still wants to explore, but she's in conflict with herself because she's also thinking about the fact that the clock is ticking for her if she wants a family.
She wants to table the open discussion for now. We both decided we don't want to share. I could tell she was feeling heavy about all of this. I did make sure to nip it in the bud that before anything else, we are lovers. At first I felt bad for bringing it up... now, not so much.