Lead Her to the Bridge

September was sweet, but I had a lot of failed dates and other failures as well. I just had enough good things happen, that I was able to ignore the failures in my last post. But let's be real, the failures are where we learn. This is where we grow. The one good thing about writing right after a date is that I can remember the details. At this point, many weeks have passed and many conversations have happened, but this is what I remember. In particular, two situations stand out.

• Dinner with Carolina

I met Carolina out dancing. Her and her friends are an attractive group of people. These are the type of people that feel like an "image match" to me. Not to get into too much detail, but we're on a similar level looks-wise, we're all doing fairly well in life, and we love to dance. Yay. Or so I think. So we're all hanging quite frequently the first couple of weeks I met them. Then I tell Carolina, "Hey, I don't feel like going out, but let's do something chill." So we have a picnic. I guess this would be considered our "first date", but I was still on the fence of whether I wanted to take it there or just keep her as a friend. The main reason for wanting to keep her as a "friend" is because she knows a bunch of other hot chicks, and I also really want to create some semblance of a social circle that includes hot chicks. But I can't help myself; if I want the chick I'm going to shoot or try to at least. The picnic was fun, and we spent an afternoon together talking about our past lives. That was it. She left town for a while, and we kept in touch. She proposed we have dinner when she returned. So boom. We're at dinner.

It was weird because as soon as I saw her, before I could set the pace, she beat me to it and was telling me how tired she was, and how much work she had to do. Almost like she either wanted to see what I was going to do with what she threw at me, or she realized in that moment or moments leading up to the dinner that she wasn't attracted to me. She called herself out on it, but I was so confused I didn't know what to do/say except eat my food and listen. I was searching for something to ask her. I have a bunch of r-selected questions lined up! But what I was missing was how to get there. For the life of me I couldn't get us over the bridge that would take us from k-selected safe topics to the fun stuff, what I would consider paradise. I didn't want to just bulldoze my way into the deep end. The best thing I could come up with was, "So what kind of guys do you like?" Honestly, at this point it didn't even matter. She was out with me.

This post from TRQ is one bridge that I could have used here. I've definitely used the "peak experience" question before, but was drawing a blank on this date. And generally, yes, girls start with boring ass answers unless they're really into me or I meet them in a non-monogamy setting. (Most of the non-monogamous women I've met so far have no problem telling me about all of their wild escapades. We dive right in!)You have to tease the good shit out of them a lot of times. Something I definitely have to work on. I like how mercush breaks down TRQ's smooth example:

>“You know when it’s Sunday and someone asks what you did this weekend and you were like, ‘I was hanging out,’ because you can’t say, ‘I spent all weekend in bed with this awesome guy.’” A comment like that does a bunch of work… if you think you understand, explain what work you think it does in the comments.

I’ll have a go.
1) It implies you are the type of guy who spends weekends in bed with awesome girls
2) It’s framed from the girl’s perspective so it shows you understand that she feels there are things about her sexuality she can’t show or discuss publicly
3) It shows you don’t judge her for her sexuality, making it safe for her to to talk about her sexuality openly
4) More generally it implies that you get that women are sexual and expect women to be sexual
5) Now she’s thinking about what it would be like to spend a weekend in bed with you

I like this because it's a bridge or the lubrication that can lead to the r-selected topics without being overt and it demonstrates that you "just get it". Of course there's delivery and all that stuff, but that's why we practice. And that's the only way to really make it your own. I don't regurgitate a lot of things on here, because I'm more focused on, "How can I make these new themes I'm learning my own?" I'm also not good at talking about what that means for me, but it comes off as more of a feeling and in my vibe.

I went in for the kiss at the end of the night. Carolina half-kissed backed, but she wasn't fully into it. Later that night she texted that she enjoyed the night, and she likes spending time with me. However, I couldn't get her out after that until recently with the group. When I saw her again, she talked about all the logistics of why she couldn't meet, but also told me all the things she was still able to make time for. I ignored her last weak attempt for a 1:1 meet. Mainly because what she's been doing is agreeing to meet, then over-scheduling, and deprioritizing our date. Wasting my time. Maybe I'll reconsider, but I think I'm going to fold my cards here.

• Hot Japanese Chick

I need a new name her, but in the mean time, Hot Japanese Chick (HJC) it is. I matched with her on OLD. We took forever to meet up and it wasn't really a date. I thought that lead had died, so I unmatched her. Months later, I ran into her at a party and we exchanged numbers. Instead of trying to get her out on a date, I was just trying to get her out. So I'd ping her to say, "Hey, I'm going to be here, come out if can!" and she'd do the same. We finally made plans, and we met up and went to an event together where I'd be meeting Carolina with her friends. We had quite a bit of alone time, but this was the first time we were officially meeting and could hear each other to have a conversation so it was generally boring, get to know you stuff. She's another one that talks about work a lot. This is another example where "the bridge" or some lubrication was needed. TRQ posted some good examples in the same post, in the comments of how I could've gotten there:

You can also try things like, “Let’s say you never had to work again… what would you do? Who would you be?” Can also try things like, “Have you ever played a game where you try as hard as you can to never ask someone what they do?”
-TRQ

These are playful, and seem like they can get things moving in the right direction. If I'm getting stuck, especially with more k-selected girls, I'm going to try these.

There were also other things at play that night. HJC didn't pay attention to the invite I sent her, and I didn't explicitly tell her what to do because I had limited information as well. This place was a bit more upscale, so I dressed the part based on the invitation. HJC came out looking good, but super casual, which was strange because every time I'd seen prior, she was dressed up. Not to mention, we'd be at a place where the dress code was casual and she'd be the only one dressed up. So I could read that she was feeling self-conscious about the way she was dressed. I could also read that when Carolina and her friends came around, HJC was uncomfortable. Every time I've seen HJC out and about she's been with a group of guys, and it was like she didn't know how to interact with a group of girls.

I'm going to try and get her out again, and 1:1 next time, but more than likely I missed my window. I missed on a few more, just like this with some younger hot chicks (they would tell me about school without me really asking or say they are focused on studying right now), but we have volume baby! So I will be trying again.

Something else I want to get better at while I'm thinking about it, is reading people and situations. A lot time I play it safe because I can't get a good read on the person or the situation and I end up doing nothing or not moving the needle enough to get a good reaction. On one end, it might be good because I save myself from looking like a fool, but on the other end, I'm probably missing opportunities because I can't read the person/situation correctly or fast enough. But I guess that will come with time, experience, and intention.