Another Wild Ride Pt.1
Earlier this summer, I almost gave up on game, girls, and sex. I had been seeing La Amazona more frequently. In fact, she was taking up most of my time and I didn’t have much time for new girls.
The on and off continued. I couldn’t understand why, but each time we got deeper and deeper. Each time she would push to be my girlfriend more and more.
TRQ warned me that this girl is just for fun. She has a history of cheating on all of her boyfriends. For some reason I thought she had changed. But let’s be real… once sl00t always a sl00t.
Last time we spoke she blocked me because she thought I was on my way to a sex party. While we were on another break, I was invited to one as part of a member initiation and I told her about it. I had two events that weekend. A kinky social and a day sex party. Now that La Amazona was back in my life, I knew that going to the sex party would probably blow things up, however, I also wanted to follow through on my explorations and get this sex club membership. In about the span of a week or two, La Amazona went from curious about sex parties to a hard no. I went to the kinky social and before I could leave I received a string of texts from La Amazona saying she couldn't support me in my exploration of the sex positive community, and that she was blocking me. I decided not to go to the sex party later that weekend.
That's when I decided to give everything up and go into monk mode.
A couple weeks later, during the smog debacle we both showed up at the same bar. We instantly wrapped our arms around each other like nothing happened. She ended up staying with me for a few days. We decided we wanted to be together in an "open" way. The next step was to have the hard conversations about boundaries and expectations. Are we using dating apps? Am I ok with her having sex with other men? Do we want to know about dates? How do we make time for each other between all the other dates? It was a difficult conversation to have. We made a little progress, but the main thing is we knew we wanted to be together. We also acknowledged that we both wanted our freedom.
A few days later, I almost broke up with her. I sent her a long text giving her some compliments and expressing some of my reasons for non-monogamy, expressing my concerns, and finally ending with me saying maybe we should be friends. I don't think she fully understood immediately what was happening. We got together later that day and had an amazing weekend out with some of her friends. I was able to show her that I can be a sociable, cool guy around her friends and that we are awesome together. According to her, I passed her test. We hadn't been out much together before this, except around my friends, so before that weekend apparently my social skills were questionable in her eyes. Later that week, she shared with me that she didn't want to have sex with anyone else. She just wanted to go on dates for attention and to see if she could squeeze expensive meals out of guys (since I wasn't doing expensive dates and she always hears her girlfriends talk about guys that are willing to spend crazy amounts on first dates). Also, if I was having sex with anyone else, she didn't want to know. The next day her therapist told her that this arrangement wasn't a good idea for her.
That weekend, I linked up with The Siren (hot older poly chick from one of my old stories). I told her I was just looking to be friends and wanted help getting to know more people. So she was inviting me to different events all the time. I went to a birthday party with The Siren. I did not tell La Amazona about this beforehand. I made a mistake, because I didn't think it was a big deal and I told La Amazona afterward. She freaked out because she knows who The Siren is through a journal I used to keep on my desk. So when I mentioned her name she freaked out. Then I freaked out and I broke up with La Amazona again.
It's not over yet...
The day after I tell her LJBF again, she calls me and tells me to meet me at a park. I realize I'm being dumb (or so I thought t the time), and I'm this close to losing this chick. She tells me, "Hey, I want to keep seeing you, but since you're not going to give me what I want I'm going to continue dating and having sex with other men." I say, "Fine." The next day, she gets some advice from her therapist, who suggests we take the pressure off each other and date non-exclusively. We should continue to get to know each other and just keep it chill. In my head, I'm thinking "Why didn't I think of that before?" We both felt sooo much better after coming to that decision. Technically, we'd been non-exclusive up until now, but I think this was a more palatable frame for La Amazona.
During this time, I met a really cute girl that is familiar with non-monogamy and was showing really high interest. We kissed on the first date, and sex on the second date was probably a given. However, La Amazona and I had finally reached a peaceful place and fucking this new girl just seemed like it was bound to cause chaos sooner or later. There was also the thought of leaving La Amazona all together for the new girl, but it didn't fully make sense to me. The new girl is calmer, more fit, has a more stable career, and is familiar with non-monogamy, but the connection with La Amazona felt too good to give up. It felt like La Amazona and I were in each other's lives for a reason. A reason unbeknownst to me, but how will I know if I throw it all away for a casual connection or what "seems" to be a "better" quality girl? There is also the fact that I can see that La Amazona wants better for herself, just like I want better for myself. We are both on a similar journey in some ways. In other ways, our lives are completely different.
So I cancelled my date with the new girl, and I've since asked La Amazona to be my exclusive girlfriend. I don't know if it was a wise decision. This could either be one of the best or worst decisions of my life. Or simply another lesson. After all, this is a high energy, explosive woman who loves attention. She is in front of the camera, making people fall in love with her. However, that is only one side of her. The thing is, she keeps choosing me, and I keep choosing her. Leaning into her a bit more has helped to ease her anxiousness and bring out some of her more endearing qualities. She's even told me herself. Since asking her to be my girl, she's more open in bed, stronger orgasms, etc. We to take took trip together, and we had a blast. It was feeling peaceful for a while.
I thought this is probably where I need to be. "Casual" is feeling very empty to me. Trying to get a girl on board with explicit non-monogamy has been ridiculously difficult for me. I finally found another cute girl that I was into that was down with non-monogamy, but the timing was off. Spending my time alone is fine, but it feels like I'm also wasting away. Being alone feels like I'm stuck in fear mode, thinking about all the bad things a woman might do to me. Well, what about all the good things that might come from a relationship? I won't get those sitting alone in my glass tower. I don't know why La Amazona is so persistent with me (most girls would've left by now), but I think it's worth exploring and learning the lessons. I'm supporting her through her journey, and she overall adds exactly what I need to my life. She adds the fun, the spontaneity, the color, and a sprinkle of chaos. I add structure and level of security to her life. However, she probably won't benefit much from anything I have to offer unless she's willing to do the work. For now, we're getting to know each other and taking one day at a time.
I also want to spend my time doing other things than chasing girls. If they come around, yay. But I'm spending too much time thinking about sex, planning for sex, planning the sex. I don't want this to be it. The guys I'm around are getting way hotter chicks than me, and their main focus is not even sex, girls, or any of the above. It is a result of all the work they put in, all the time they spend out and about in the streets giving value, all the time they spend showing themselves, and improving the lives of others. They are even refusing chicks in order to focus on their mission. So for now, one chick is good for me. I can use that time to continue working on myself and figuring out what the heck I was put on this Earth to do.
To be continued…